Table of Contents:

A letter to anyone in conflict: Tooling yourself up for conflict 12 differences you can make to the way you approach your conflict Quick tips on how to move quickly from a complaint to an agreement to focus on understanding each other and moving forward Developing the above 'technique' to demonstrate your commitment to understanding and taking action to make things better Ideas about conflict and it's role in enabling a sustainable future Advanced level: 12 Understandings of conflict that enable a sustainable future Over-elaborate (yet deeply meaningful) summary of some of the above ideas

 

 A letter to anyone in conflict:

 (Please pass on this letter to anyone who might benefit from it:

 

- How you can have those difficult and important conversations.doc )

 

 

Dear .........

 

I write to let you know of the service we provide for people in conflict. Perhaps you have difficulties either with neighbours, family members, work colleagues or someone else who has used force in some way against you, including criminal acts. Wherever someone's action has prevented you from getting what you wanted, if it's important to you, we do our best to offer a service to you. We know that we offer a very valuable process for you. We’re offering it upfront for no fee so that you can see the value to yourself. Paying us is your choice and helps us to offer it to others.

 

 

We offer opportunities for you to have the conversations you want to have with any of the 'difficult people' in your life. If you phone us up, the first conversation we'll want to have will be an opportunity for you to tell us how you see the issue. I, or one of my colleagues, will ask you “what it is that you or they have done that is of concern to you?” and “how clear are you as to what it is that is of concern to them?”.

 

 

Then we'll look at what options can be offered as a way to address the concerns that either of you have. At the end of the conversation, which might take twenty minutes, I, or one of my colleagues will be wanting to know four things. These four things will be whether you have been treated with respect, said what you needed to say, been understood and whether you are clear what is happening next?

 

 

What happens next might be a similar letter being sent to them and a similar conversation. What might then follow is a meeting at an agreed location, with myself and/or colleagues and anyone else who needs to be there involved. We call this a 'restorative circle' and I or my colleagues offer to facilitate it for the benefit to all. Of course you might not all want to meet up for any number of reasons, which we can look at. Anyone of you might first, or later, choose to have a conversation with one of us playing the role of the other person in the way that we are trained to do this so that you can increase mutual understanding.

 

 

My role as a facilitator is to support people to do three things: support everyone there to hear each other, once everyone is clear that they've been heard to support everyone there in identifying what is important to each of us, and to support us to be clear as to what actions we want to take as a result of this new understanding. How does this sound to you?

 

 

I await your call on 0117 923 2963.

 

 

Yours sincerely

Paul Crosland

(Mediation Support Ltd)

 

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Tooling yourself up for conflict

 

 

12 differences you can make to the way you approach your conflict

 

Imagine a conflict that you have experienced /are experiencing...

 

Please take time to feel what difference does it make to:

a) Approach the conflict with appreciation that the other person(s) has never done anything other than the best they could to meet their needs?

b) Bring a philosophy of non-violence to your conflict?

c) Value conflict as a renewal of commitment to our values?

d) Value conflict as a pre-condition of any change?

e) Recognise your freedom to respond differently?

f) Consider how your needs and theirs may be complementary?

g) Imagine not be involved in any violence (e.g. punishment and reward, violence of demand, violence of denial of responsibility etc)?

h) Only imagine using force if it is necessary for everyone's well-being?

i) Imagine people reaching a place where their choice of strategies arises from a natural wish to contribute to life?

j) Imagine no longer feel trapped by 'shoulds'?

k) Imagine appreciating the perspective that each person adds to understanding any situation?

l) Imagine something beyond a 'win-win'; i.e. a systemic win, benefitting the sustainability of all?

 

If it feels better to imagine bringing these approaches to your conflict, which of your needs are being served by doing this?

Harmony? Peace? Understanding? Co-operation? etc (see list of Universal Needs)

 

(work in progress)  

 

 

 

Quick tips on how to move quickly from a complaint to an agreement to focus on understanding each other and moving forward

 

 

The other person 'complains' about something that you did (or didn't do).

 

Your response might be: And why do you presume I did that?

 

Other: “.......”

 

You: Thank you for telling me something of why you presume I did that. I see my reasons differently and we can work on that and plan ways to make things better. How would you like to move on?

 

Other: “.....”

 

You: I like hearing your suggested route forward and parts of it, I'm not so sure about. Can I just check that I've understood what you are proposing that we do to move things forward?

[look for verbal or non-verbal confirmation]

Thank you. Is this the first part of the process that you are wanting me to agree to so that we move things on: That ......? etc

 

Developing the above 'technique' to demonstrate your commitment to understanding and taking action to make things better

 

Question 1: Is there a way of saying any of the above that is more natural to you and simpler for others to hear?

 

Question 2: In what circumstances might you say something like the above?

 

* The degree to which these responses are helpful will depend, amongst other things, on the relationship between those speaking (e.g the level of commitment to communication), on the perception of intention (which is frequently at variance with the intentions you have). It is helpful to be clear what your intentions are in the communication; those values most conducive to being heard include intentions of:

-openness

-patience

-clarity

-flexibility

 

There is the possibility that the questions above could be used in a way that makes the conflict 'worse'. We all know much about behaviours that make conflict worse. To draw up a list of these behaviours and then practice how to do the opposite is highly recommended.

One way to make the conflict worse is not to be attentive to any discomfort in the other person and yourself. The skills for attending to this discomfort go beyond the purpose of this page. Please consider what you tend to do when you feel discomfort and any changes you would like to make to your actions next time you experience discomfort.

 

 

Download the above text as a one-page word document:

 

Questions to focus on understanding meaning and moving forward.doc

 

 

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Ideas about conflict and it's role in enabling a sustainable future

 

Advanced level (i.e. the wording below isn't as clear and straightforward as the wiki authors would presently like!):

Advanced level: 12 Understandings of conflict that enable a sustainable future

 

1)We are all dependent on systems for our well-being and the whole system includes

conflict. Conflict is both inevitable and necessary within whole systems. There are benefits and dangers of conflict.

Conflict benefits us both as a necessary pre-condition of change, development, creativity and of renewal of

commitment to our values.

2)The danger of conflict is that it becomes violence. As violence is only possible when we are cut-off from appreciating each other as human beings with valid feelings and needs, just like ourselves, handling conflict with nonviolence maximises the possibility of our generating systemic

win.

3)Our Choice of response is the freedom we have that cannot be taken away (not even in

a concentration camp)

4) Every thought or action is an attempt to meet needs.

(Feelings are biologically valuable to us to put us in touch with needs eg fear often

arises when we have a need for our protection or the protection of others)

5) Any choice to help others is also a choice to meet some of our own needs.

6) Force is one strategy we use to meet our need for protection, whether we are using

force to protect ourselves or others. (The protective use of force is consistent with

a philosophy of nonviolence).

7) Our culture is unclear about the difference between needs and strategies. Our

culture  also limits the strategies that we are we are familiar with to meet our

needs.  e.g. it is easy to presume money to be a need rather than a strategy to meet

needs. We are also more familiar with using the tools of punishment and reward, rather

than of encouraging people to do things out of a natural wish to contribute to others’

well-being.

8)  Everyone is always doing the best they can to meet their needs - however disastrous/ inappropriate their strategy.

9) Responding with Empathy (being attentive to the needs behind the actions), rather 

than attending to our internal system of 'shoulds' (what people should and shouldn't

do), enables people to create a space in which it is easier to make life-affirming

choices in future strategies to meet all our needs.

10) Seeking the whole truth involves looking at what meaning everyone's actions have

for them; what they were looking for when they did what they did. (This work is

supported by principles of valuing diversity, acknowledging our myopia and openness to

what their perspective adds to mine. Rather than either/or understandings there is

scope for both/and understandings).

11) By increasing the collaboration (and giving voice to all met needs and unmet

needs) we can move from the shortcomings of individual win and the shortcomings of

joint win to Systemic Win.

12) Systemic Win builds sustainability; to choose any other goal is both a choice to

waste resources and a choice to deny our need for everyone's welfare.

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Over-elaborate (yet deeply meaningful) summary of some of the above ideas

 

 

Whether we co-operate or compete, all thoughts and actions arise from us doing the best we can to meet our needs. This understanding provides a feedback loop that is invaluable to systemic learning. If we respond with 'shoulds/should nots' to any of the choices that humans make, the systems we create will, by definition, be diminished. The diminished victory is the personal victory or even the win-win situation, which falls short (as a conspiracy between individuals) of 'systemic-win'. Systemic win requires learning from the feedback loop provided by all behaviours that we see as harmful.